Heyo everyone.  I know it’s been quite a long time since I have shared my lack of knowledge on the female gender. Sorry about that. I’ve been kind of busy trying to become an adult.  That’s a whole other topic in itself.  Anyway, despite my best efforts months ago, I do believe my knowledge of women has actually digressed.  I am not the wooer I once was—just kidding, I was never one to woo.  Clearly not reading about the latest women’s fashion and diets over the past months has hampered my progression.  And I have become more confused than ever. But one of the reasons I stopped was because the magazines literally were all the same; similar topics just written in different tone and targeted at slightly different women.  I wanted to do something with Oprah’s show, but then she decided to quit.   Then today I was walking past a newsstand and I saw a magazine entitled ‘Brides’ and I decided why not, let’s take another crack at it.  So let’s get started…

I had never heard of ‘Brides’ before today but it was chalk full of insights.  ‘Brides’ is about what else: Brides.  I tried to find a ‘Grooms’ magazine but they were sold-out.  At my age I don’t really think about marriage unless I hear one of my friends is getting married or in fact I attend a wedding.  Though I did see the wonderful film The Wedding Planner, I still don’t realize how much actually goes into a wedding, especially on the lady side.  But Brides covers all aspects of the wedding process from planning it to what do after you get married.

I’ve only been to a handful of weddings and was fortunate enough to be in one, but I will say I do agree with editor who says ‘Let me tell you, there’s nothing like being shoulder-to-shoulder with a crush of people bursting with pride and love for a happy couple’.  But weddings also have free alcohol and food and mostly single people.  All of which are pluses.  So all in all I have a positive view of weddings from a spectator point of view.  Anyway…

The magazine doesn’t have much written material and seems to be a picture book of wedding dresses and almost thought starters for other women’s weddings.

Apparently all wedding dresses have to be white.  This is not stated anywhere in the magazine, but it’s clear by all the pictures of wedding dresses—they are all white.  I was perplexed by the Vera Wang advertisement that said ‘White’ and featured a black dress.  I get easily confused.

Fashion Lesson #1: Wedding designers have awesome names like Lazaro, Vera and Cartier.

The first section dealt with the Prince Harry and Kate getting married.  Instilling the idea that women like to feel like princesses, and the event of a wedding offers them that type of feeling.

Fashion Lesson #2: Weddings dresses have a ‘whipped cream’ style look on some designs

The first section I’ll focus on is ‘Girl Talk’ and its focus was ‘What Are You Looking Forward To Most About the Wedding?’

I was surprised to see that most of the answers revolved around how the soon to be brides seemed to care about what people would see or think of their wedding—not the fact that they were actually getting married, but all the hoopla around it.  Side note: I’ve never used the word hoopla in my life and I think it is a sign of me getting older.  Does that mean I’m maturing?  Possibly…Anyway, that was a theme throughout the publication that the wedding involves so many tangible elements and money that people seem to lose sight of the actual idea of marriage and what they are getting themselves into.  It becomes more of a spectacle than an actual ceremony.  Kinda like my Fantasty Football Draft…More on that later…not the football draft, but the wedding idea…

Moving on…

The next portion dealt with a timeline of wedding plans such as: 10 months before your wedding you need to select your officiant.  Now, I didn’t know what an officiant was, I Googled it and I feel pretty stupid.  Anyway, some of this seemed pretty obvious (e.g. day before wedding have the rehearsal and dinner—I wonder if anyone read that and thought ‘oh shit I knew I forgot something!’) but I guess they need to cover all their bases.  This also brings up a theme of how the planning of weddings is so detailed and so many working parts are coming together to pull it off.  Women dream about their weddings for a long time and want it to be perfect.  From my previous research from the other publications it seems that women are much better planners than men.  If I tried to plan a wedding I would do it last minute, have Taco Bell cater it, and this would be my tux. Moving on…

Another cool part of weddings:  the food!  Nothing beats wedding cake; well maybe cookies ‘n’ cream drumsticks.  Wedding cakes are like art and like every other aspect in the wedding complements everything from the napkins to the bridesmaids dresses.

There were several sections on colors and themes of weddings.  Apparently, colors play a huge role in weddings.  Fun Fact! Did you know that Blue is the most popular wedding color?  Brides actually recommends to study a Crayola crayon box to become inspired about which colors to select for your wedding. I used to get in trouble for that in kindergarden.  Probably goes without saying but the wedding is an extension of the bride.  Everything that is involved with it is a reflection of her.  If she has a mismatched colored plate or a theme that doesn’t flow—it will reflect poorly on her.  Considering I can’t even find matching socks, I probably could never match all these colors together to create a nice aesthetically pleasing design.  Props to the ladies for figuring that out.

Fashion Lesson #3: Elle MacPherson makes a corsete for plus size brides…exciting!

Fashion Lesson #4: Power shoulder type dresses are popular again…kinda like this

There was of course a section for the frugal bride where the cheapest dress was $500.  I found it interesting how most women keep their dresses but most men just rent their tuxes.  Women clearly have a much more intimate feeling towards their wedding and ceremony where I feel men just want to get married and enjoy the reception.

From my perspective it seems that the main strategy for dressing the bridesmaids is to make them look as bad as possible and to have the attention focused on the bride to make her look as good as possible.

Of course no women’s magazine would be complete without a section on hair and Brides is no exception.  They give 8 tips for how to blow-dry like a pro.  I’ve only blow dried my hair once and it felt really weird—I wasn’t aware that there was a strategy involved with it.  I thought it was more of a point and shoot thing.  I ended up looking like this. Anyway, I learned the words Moroccanoil and Emulsify from this section.   I swear that shaping women’s hair should be taught in AP Physics.  Moving on…

They also gave rules for how to address the invitation envelopes.  Again, just shit I never thought about.  I now know how to address a wedding invitation for a Same-Sex Couple, A Married Couple When One is a Doctor and finally a Divorced Woman Who Uses Her Ex’s Name.   This is good stuff!

There was an interesting Q&A section on etiquette for soon-to-be brides.  My favorite was ‘Is it okay to seat all the old people at one table?’ the author said not to, but I disagree…

An intriguing part of Brides were the sections that dealt with what to do after you get married.  This seems to be the part that people really don’t think about: the post wedding life.  From what I can tell from the publication, people get so consumed with the planning they completely forget that they are fucking getting married!  There is actually a form of depression associated with this phenomenon.  It’s called: Post-Wedding Depression—I think that is the type of depression Tom Cruise knew all about…Anyway, they give 5 tips for how to get over PWD and they all center on keeping your cool and not getting overwhelmed.  But it just made me wonder if some women just want to have a wedding but not get ‘married’.   I also took their quiz if I am at risk to get PWD and don’t worry I am not at risk but actually display traits that will weather the first years of marriage.  So essentially I’ll become an alcoholic.  Can’t wait to experience that…Moving on…

Fashion Lesson #6: A long, lean silhouette that creates a 70s vibe is a good look for a wedding dress

That’s pretty much it for Brides.  It was quite insightful and was interesting to read a women’s publications that wasn’t about getting a man, but rather how to make one of the most important days/events of your life memorable and how you want it.  As I said many times it was interesting to see how the wedding planning and wedding itself at times can seem more important than the actual marriage.  But overall, Brides provides a positive outlook and attempts to create an excitement for potential brides.

Key Learning’s:

-Weddings are a huge deal for the ladies…HUGE..they want to make it unique to them and the people attending

-Wedding dresses must be white and are expensive as shit

-Weddings are a direct reflection on the bride and her ability to be a host and shows her taste in style and her overall class.

Until next time…

InStyle magazine. I was extremely excited because this issue had ‘500 pages of Spring Fashion!’.  This one took me a while due to the 500 pages. 500 pages seemed a little excessive.  This thing weighed about 3.4 pounds. At first I thought this was the magazine version of War and Peace.  Luckily InStyle isn’t much a magazine, but more so a giant picture book.  If InStyle were a woman it would be one with 600 pairs of shoes, a thousand different dresses living in a small apartment and running away from creditors because of her obsession with using her credit card to shop.  Whew.  I’ve never read a book in my life with 500 pages.  It made me wonder if InStyle was ‘bathroom’ material for women?  I don’t normally like to think of women on the toilet, but this magazine is LONG—it seems to make sense.    This magazine was similar in its written content to the others and dealt with the usual suspects: Sex, Life, Fitness, and of course, Fashion. Hard-hitting topics such as “What Goes with Which Jeans” and a full pull out page of Oscar fashion—reminded me of the Sports Illustrated for Kids posters I used to collect as a kid.  I am going to focus on the fashion portion in this post.  Mix things up a bit and go over what InStyle considers the ‘trends’ for Spring.  About these trends, I’m not sure who decides them or how they are considered trends but it was pretty interesting to see that ‘white’ was a trend.   Since I started dressing myself at the age of 22, the only male trend that I have followed is that a shirt and jeans go together. Anyway, on to the first ‘trend’…

COLOR

Yes, color is a trend.  Not just any color, but bright colors!  Solid bright colors with other solid bright colors are a popular look this Spring.   Each trend had the sections ‘Why We Love it’ and ‘How to Wear It’.  I didn’t realize people needed instruction on how to wear clothes.  But in the lady world there are do’s and don’ts when it comes to wearing different types of clothes and colors.  It’s starting to make sense why InStyle is 500 pages in length—it’s a giant instruction manual for how to dress.  I don’t really have a manual but I have a sure proof system:  it’s called ‘the sniff test’.

FLORAL

There are two types of Floral: Romantic and Exotic.   I always thought they were Daisies and Roses.  But Romantic and Exotic are the Cane and Abel of this years’ Spring trends.  One light and one dark.  Anyway, Floral consists of what else–floral patterns on dresses, shoes, purses, etc.  There are so many accessories for women.  It’s unbelievable how everything has to match and coincide with everything.  It seems overwhelming.  I can barely find two pairs of matching socks; I can’t imagine accessorizing my entire wardrobe.  Sidenote: why do models always look so upset?  I mean aren’t these clothes supposed to make people happy?  They always look so down as if they just saw something terrible.

MENS WEAR

Think Hillary Clinton. Moving on…

WHITE

I was always told that you can’t wear white after Labor Day.  Whatever that means.  White, of course represents purity—as can be seen by the lingerie shown.  I don’t understand how this can be a trend.  It’s as if saying that breathing is a trend.  I feel that white is something that people always wear, but then again what do I know. Oh yea, nothing.  I just know that if I saw a girl in all white—I would be suspicious.

70’s

I’m not sure exactly what this trend consists of, but it appears to mean large hats, bellbottoms and big glasses.   It’s interesting how society as a whole tries to bring styles back or how vintage is new again.  I’m still waiting for 80s styles to come back.  The style made me think of the Jenny character from Forrest Gump.  ALERT: RANDOM TANGENT COMING.  Speaking of Jenny, think about her for a second.  What a terrible person.  She uses Forrest for his house, never responds to his mail and continually goes in and out of his life.  And if you think about it, if she has AIDS so does Forrest and there’s a good chance little Forrest has it as well.  She’s just a terrible person in cinema.  Anyway, moving on…

LACE

I always thought this trend was called, “Wow, you can literally see through her outfit”.  I found it interesting how each style is unique but is applied to the same shapes of clothing.  Dresses that are Lace have a different feel/look than dresses that are White yet they have the same shape and size.

SPORTY

It seems InStyle correlates ‘sporty’ with stripes or outfits that are similar to what  Paulie Walnuts wears.

MODERN METALLICS

Essentially, metallics=silver?  Oh InStyle using such cool terms to describe simple colors.  One of these outfits resembles what knights used to wear underneath their armor.

That’s pretty much for InStyle.  It was quite a read..err I mean ‘look’.  Lot’s of pictures and information but it does what it’s meant for: inform women about upcoming fashion.

Key Learnings:

-Women have accessories for everything

-Every aspect of a women’s style is taken into account—everything from her nail color to her necklace serves some purpose for her outfit.

-Being up to date in fashion is important to most women—in the ultra competitive world of women, being behind on fashion can be seen as a weakness.

-500 pages are a lot for a magazine.

Until next time…

Self Magazine.  Wow.  What an experience.  This magazine felt as if I was talking to a crazed, sleep deprived genius.  If Self were an actual woman, I feel that she would be divorced at least twice.  Anyway, the cover was great because the incredible Minka Kelly was on it.  The cover also claimed that there were ‘3,815 FREEBIES INSIDE’—I beg to differ because this magazine cost me $4.21 and I saw no freebies inside.  Clearly, Self and I are off to a good start….Anyway let’s get started…

Self in itself has short snippets of information for each section, not a lot of long articles here.  It covers a wide range of topics (as most these publications do) but does it in a frantic, almost crazed pace.  At times it read like a motivational pamphlet and then like a medical journal.

Does Anyone Else Find this Inappropriate?

The ad to the right—just freaked me out

First section I went to was ‘The 10 Hair Color Commandments’ and it brought up an interesting fact: that women actually have a relationship with their hair.  As I’ve said before I have had the same haircut since sperm, and don’t do anything to my hair.  It just kind of sits there.  I do know some men who do have a very close relationship with their hair, but it just doesn’t seem worth it to me.  Hair for men is different for women, because (in my opinion) hair can actually deter a woman’s attractiveness.  Whereas hair for men can only enhance their appearance (I’m not including bald men here—but they have done alright in life) because if a man does take care of his hair then that shows he is image conscious and women tend to enjoy that trait.

Minka Kelly is super hot.  That’s pretty much it.  As with most celebrities she “embraces her imperfections”.  Another interesting thing here, it seems that women need to be reassured that other women also have insecurities about their bodies so that they to can feel okay about it.  This isn’t something that men address too much and if we do, we actually make fun of other men for ‘letting themselves go’.

There were several pieces that dealt with how women can enjoy their ‘me’ time.  Essentially, these pieces gave women advice on how to relax and seemed to have an underlying meaning, which is that women are stressed out a lot.  Self never came out and said it directly but with the tone and frequency of these types of pieces it was clear: women are stressed more and more these days.

Sometimes you need stop and smell the roses...

I was thrown off by the title to this article, ‘I Cheated on My Husband With Food’.  I thought it was going to go in an entirely different direction.  Anyway, this article dealt with something that seems to affect a lot of women:  food.  What to eat, when to eat and how to feel when you eat something was another theme that was present throughout Self.   How many calories per meal? Can I eat this and not gain weight? I will say that men do have this problem as well, but I don’t think it affects men the same way it does women.  It’s a badge of honor if a man can eat a lot.  It shows that he is a ‘man’ according to society.  Obviously, men want to be in shape and healthy, but if a man can eat a lot around other men, as stupid as it sounds—it’s impressive.  The fact that he can down 2 boxes of Krispy Kremes in fifteen minutes (don’t judge) is both impressive and something that other men will talk about in an admiring way.  If a woman did that, I don’t think too many guys would be asking for her number….

See how this could be confusing?

Fun Fact: Did you know that your nails harbor bacteria and that biting them can cause you to digest this bacteria?

Fashion Lesson #1: Three types of nail styles: Silvery Slivers, French Flipped and Etherreal Edges…I am now Stupendously Smarter

Another article about how women can modify their face with makeup…

3 Steps if you want to look younger by using makeup:

Protect-sunscreen, water, and eye cream

Intensify-eye pencils-draw on your eye

Volumize-give attention to lower lashes

This continues to amaze me. Maybe I can end up looking like this if I wear enough makeup…

Moving on…Fashion Lesson #2: Striped shoes will make your look and spirits soar

I'm learning...

Sidenote:  They mention the urkel jeans in this issue as a trend.  I felt pretty cool that I knew about this.

3 Types of Butts that Women Have:

Flat Butt

Low Butt

Full Butt

I think I’m a combination of all three….

The term ‘boy shape’ came up again…so if women can be ‘boy shape’—what is the male equivalent?  Girl shape? But then if men can be girl shaped and women can boy shaped, doesn’t that mean that those two body types are shaped the same?  I need a Tylenol…

A small piece on exercise and who your partner should be: “Unfit friends make you significantly more likely to work out less often and let healthy eating habits slide”.  As I mentioned before with the hair, everything a women does seems to be some sort of relationship.  From their clothes to workout partners, they gain something from these relationships and it also represents them as people. I don’t think men go into too much thought about who they go to the gym with, probably because we don’t put too much thought into anything….

Women have attire for everything—even working out.  The total of the clothes Self suggests for working out exceeds $700.  This is the shirt that I wore to workout in….

I always find it interesting how most of these publications have a section dealing with how celebrities work out.  Do you know how much money these people pay nutritionists, trainers and chefs to look like that?  I don’t think PX90 is going to make anyone look like Demi Moore when they are 50.  But you know what will?  Botox, 20 million dollars, ridiculous amounts of plastic surgery and people working for you full time to make sure you do look like that…

With that theme the ‘Celeb-Tested Toners’ section shows that jazz hands is a credible exercise move….

Jazz Hands!

This fun fact ruined frozen burritos for me: chemicals in paper food wrapping may seep into food…which have been linked to cancer…Doctor’s just ruin anything fun….

Fun Fact: Did you know that ‘heritage’ breeds of chicken are actually healthier to eat…older is always better in some cases…example: Star Wars

A section that was close to my heart was entitled, ‘Can I Eat That?’…this is what I usually ask anyone who eats with me—referring to their unfinished meal.  My favorite questions from this section (supposedly asked by real adults):

Is it OK to trim off the moldy parts of cheese, fruit and yogurt and eat the rest?

The following question explains how I survived college:

Those leftovers have been in the fridge a few days, but they smell fine.  Toss or try?

Definitely TRY

I got very excited to see a quiz on allergies; only problem was they had the answer right below the multiple choices.  C’mon Self, I need to know if I’m an allergy expert!

Fashion Lesson #3: Reddish orange is in

Ok now for the creepiest, scariest article I have read thus far in this experiment: ‘Your Backyard: Bites Back’ No real insights here, just that ticks are some seriously dangerous creatures and can potentially kill you.  This goes along with Self’s frantic pace and random sections it had throughout this issue.  And what other appropriate section should follow when you’ve just done a two-page spread on how household bugs can kill you…that’s right…

Creepy...

This season’s top makeup trends!

So that’s Self Magazine.  It was quite interesting and covered a wide range of topics.  It was all over the place, but tried to keep a positive tone throughout the magazine.  It covers a lot of health and medical issues but Self never seemed to want to hit topics straight on but sidestep them and create a positive outlook instead.  As the editor claims, “we speak to women’s instincts, not the worst”.  From dealing with ticks, nutrition, fashion and relationships, Self hopes to motivate and encourage women.

Key Learnings:

-Women are always looking to improve their body image for not only themselves but also for others

-Women are stressed, and need to know that it is okay to relax at times

-Every aspect of a woman can be seen as a personal relationship—from their hair to fashion—it’s all an aspect of them and what they represent

Until next time…

What an interesting first week for this blog.  I got a lot of feedback and most of it was telling me that the posts were too long.  Well tough shit, this blog isn’t for you, it’s for me and my enrichment as an individual.  Just kidding. I’ll try to shorten it up. Anyway, I also got some emails about how it was ‘unfair’ of me to attempt to learn about women strictly by these publications.  And I completely agree with that and maybe in the future I will expand to other ways, but as of this moment I don’t have the time nor budget to do anything else (I may watch a Lifetime movie and keep a running diary—more to come on that.) But if you think about it, say an alien race came here to study present day women.  Where would they go for information?  You certainly can’t go to this lady.  So that’s how I am kind of approaching this: I am an alien trying to learn the ways of women’s culture from these publications.

A little awkward...

Okay, so the first thing I learned is that it is extremely awkward buying 4-6 women’s magazines from the checkout guy at Walgreens.  I might as well have bought tampons and not those sleek, sophisticated tampons, but those large ones that look like the planes the Wright Brothers flew.  I probably haven’t come up with anything groundbreaking yet from reading these publications, but if anything I have a new overall respect for women in terms of the time they put into their fashion, makeup and just the overall time and effort it takes to look the way they do.  I don’t want to expose too much about myself on here but this is what I currently look like.  Not a lot of effort going on.  It takes me a maximum of 4 minutes to get ready and that’s when I’m going out.  My friends say I have a ‘costume’ or that I am a ‘cartoon character’ because I pretty much wear the same outfit everyday.  I like to call it my uniform and by the way no one gets upset at Batman or Spiderman for wearing the same thing everyday for the past 40 years.  Can you imagine how gross those costumes are?  Moving on…

Themes I noticed…

Again, nothing too groundbreaking here; I was a little surprised how each publication had something along the lines of a “Have Better Sex” section.  It made it seem like this was an epidemic.   Most of the publications dealt with the same themes and issues but were different in tone.  Cosmo: very direct and sexy; Vogue: classy and motivating; Women’s Health: very quick to the point, and Glamour: fun and energetic.  From what I’ve been told Spring is a huge season for fashion so I’m looking forward to learning more about that.  Anyway, I still have a LONG way to go and am looking forward to reading more of these publications….and with that…

The most interesting thing that I’ve learned so far…

Women don’t dress for men; they dress for other women.  Fashion for women is what cars and muscles are for men: an aspect of you to show people your status or what you think your status should be. There’s really no comparison between genders–in regard to fashion.

Batman didn't care...

If a larger, uglier man is wearing the best clothes, most guys won’t notice, but if a ‘plus’ size women has the best shoes and great purse and accessories—that’s the FIRST thing women will notice and talk about.  Then it seems the conversation will go to body size, but the initial observation is what they are wearing.   Men (and I feel I can speak for most) don’t notice this stuff.  I enjoy the LBD’s (see my vocabulary is expanding) and something that isn’t too revealing (also known as: slutty) but something classy and some of those Greek style strappy shoes would be cool too.  If you look like you tried, that’s awesome and all we can generally ask for.

I also learned some new words (gyno!) and got to read about the female period and breasts.  So that was great too.  Anyway, I am looking forward to continuing with this and up next are Self Magazine and InStyle (which will probably be mostly visual).

Please feel free to email questions and feedback and comment on the posts to what you like or didn’t like.

One more thing…I still don’t get this…please explain

Until next time…

The next publication that I decided to read was ‘Glamour’ or ‘Glam’ or whatever version of the word ‘glamorous’ they decided to use.  This issue featured The 50 Most Glam Women of 2011. Glamour is more fashion centric, but of course covers the basics: sex, health and lifestyle advice.  It seems to be for more of a young professional crowd or women who are in a transition in their lives.   Let’s get right to it…

The editor starts us off with her ‘6 Kinds of Glamour I’m Loving Now’ (by the way I took a running count of the times ‘glam’ or ‘chic’ were used throughout this issue—I’m going to add these terms to my vernacular).  Pretty much these are the highlights of the current issue:

1. Three Time Glam-Kate Winslet has won the glammiest woman 3 years in a row

2. Gusty Glam-young women protesters in Egypt

3. Mama Glam-being a mom is apparently cool

4. Kooky Glam-crazy/eccentric outfits

5. Your Kind of Glam-SF’s style from Glamour readers

6. Inner Glam-Ashley Judd has a Masters from Harvard…wow Wynonna must be pissed

Glam/Chic count: 8

Moving on….

I had to Google what ‘LBDs’ meant, and now I feel really stupid…for those of you wondering it means ‘little black dress’.

Fashion Lesson #1: Short sparkly dresses are a ‘do’ on the red carpet and super long hair is a ‘don’t’, matching your lipstick to your dress is a ‘do’—thank God.

Fashion Lesson #2: The nude bodysuit is back…not sure how I feel about this…

I am really starting to enjoy the quizzes in these magazines.  I feel like I am really finding out who I am as a person.  For the ‘What’s Your Guy Type?’ I landed on The Brooder—he is apparently steamy and mysterious…awesome.

According to the Glammifiers  it’s ok if I am secretly happy my best friend isn’t my size, so I don’t have to share.   Kind of funny but brings up an interesting point.  Women are emotionally invested in their clothes and for someone to borrow a piece a clothing, that is almost like borrowing an extension of them.  I will definitely not let ANYONE borrow my Ghostbusters shirt that I’ve had since I was 6—so I understand.

Glam/Chic count: 12

Good section about how there needs to be funnier movies featuring women.  I agree with their list except for Legally Blonde, six words: sorority, small dog, Harvard law student…enough said…moving on

Fashion Lesson #3: During the day, women like wearing long dresses with an allover print and neutral accessories…

Fashion Lesson #4: At night, women like to wear long skirts…which kind of reminded me of the MC Hammer pants

Five Trends to be aware of right now:

1. Wear flowerly patterns—they’re coming back
2. Wearing jean jackets is cool
3. Lightweight grunge shirts were featured in Charlotte Ronson’s spring collection
4. Kinder Aggugini is an up and coming designer and her clothes will be sold at Macy’s
5. Ivanka Trump, Lauren Conrad and Mariah Carey are all releasing shoe lines

I feel smarter now…don’t you?

They list 10 items to create ‘The Outfit Idea of the Month’. Grand total: $1700 even.  Dear Lord, you could buy like 4 PlayStation 3’s with that…

Fashion Lesson #5: Spring Jackets are big! If you are boy shaped a classic cropped jacket is for you, if you are petite a sport, fitted baseball jacket and if you’re plus size a drapy-shaped jacket

Jackets are in this Spring...

Glam/Chic count: 15

This issue was chalk full of fashion lessons, but apparently I am not the only who has trouble deciphering the language of women—especially fashion.  Women themselves have questions on how to dress.  A large section features women’s questions about their own fashion and how to manage it.   I will try to give Glamour’s take and then my translation…

-Mixing more than one hot hue is not for shrinking violets, but it can look totally chic when done right.

Translation:  Include one light color then match it with black or white

-The casual basic has never been as hip as it is this neutrals-are-having-a-moment spring

Translation:  Wearing khaki’s is cool

Moving on to…shoes

Popular shoes for women this Spring: floral shoes, flats, shoes with stripes and Tod Gommino’s loafers

Glam/Chic count: 19

Apparently blush can be used for anything on a women’s face.  It seems to be the most versatile of all the makeup/scientific/created in a lab/genetically engineered products that women put on their face.   And blush works differently depending on your face type.  Good to know….

Fashion Lesson#6 Berry-inspired make up accessories are all the rage this Spring

Section on problems with women’s hairs and remedies, different hair types call for different products.  Problems include: make color look vibrant longer, fixing split ends without cutting them, roots are oily, get volume without damage, and a woman straightened her hair and now it’s too dry.  This section began articles delving into skin care and makeup.  It is truly incredible to see how much time goes into getting ready for a woman.  From the angle of the blush and hair—to exfoliating to scrubbing to rinsing, to watching what you eat so that your skin is just right—I think qualifying as a Mensa candidate is an easier process..  And to consistently do it everyday is amazing.

So stoked. Glamour used the word ‘gynos’.  Yes!  The section pertains to ‘5 Things Every Woman Must Tell Her Gyno’. Pretty much they need to be open with them about everything….

Three words I want to use this week in a sentence: Gynos, Glam and Chic

Article about going vegan…seems extremely difficult

Did you know that there is a fat-freezing procedure woman can have?  It freezes the fat and then the fat tissues die and eventually fall off…yea for modern science!

Pretty accurate assessment on how gross men are in their ‘OK Guys,How Gross Are You’ I’ll put it this way: we are dirty creatures….

Article about former producer Shauna Robertson who now runs a charity fundraising website.  Includes her advice for finding what you are passionate about and going for it.

Glam/Chic count: 32

That was followed by people who have heard no to their dreams, but rose above it to accomplish it.  Continuing the theme of overcoming obstacles to get what you want.

Some of these questions just boggle my mind: I’m spring-cleaning—should I donate my stuff or sell it? Is it really necessary to write into a magazine and ask this question?

There are 5 types of voices that women have:

Upspeaker -Turning every statement into a question

Creaky-Voice sounds tired or strained

Squishy-Nervous, not confident

Cusser-Likes to cuss..a lot

Slanger-Not being PC

Now for the exciting part…The 50 Most Glam Women of 2011. I’m a little confused because it’s only March. Anyway, Kate Winslet is number 1.  I still can’t get over how she killed Jack in Titanic.  A lot of ‘glam’ going on in this section, glam haircuts, couples, men and even a glam ‘bump’–as in pregnancy…

Kate never let's go...to Glamour's 'Most Glam Woman'

Glam/Chic count: 47

Fashion Lesson #7: Bright colors mixed with professional dress can make an outfit pop

My favorite hairstyle for the Spring: Rock’n’Roll Beadhead

I don't know about this look...

Creepiest hairstyle for the Spring: The Quick Slick Back

Fashion Lesson #8: Doubling the color of an outfit with a jacket that matches a shirt creates a powerful look

Finally, the last article deals with how not to be a bitch to other women.  It does seem that women are especially competitive with one another.  Whether competing for men, style, or positions at work–they are always trying to out-do one another.  Men compete as well, but I feel women are much more aggressive about it because there are more things for them to compete outwardly about and (as they seem to feel) fewer opportunities for them.  There is even a movement by Oprah calling for women to stop calling each other ‘bitch’.  I figure if Oprah is talking about this, it must be important.  The tone of the article made me feel that mending relationships between women is a hot issue.  The article refers to reality television giving women a bad name in showing how they deal when a problem arises between women.  Usually it involves hair pulling and drinks being thrown.  As seen in various stats throughout these publications, women lose friends over men, backstab each other and friendships seem to come and go. Anyway, the advice generally says to be empathetic and try not to explode so quickly.  Probably easier said than done….

Final Glam/Chic count: 61—I’m really excited to use these words in a sentence this week

If anything, I felt that Glamour promotes women’s independence, from their articles dealing with Kate Winslet being a single mom, to advice on changing careers,  to helping women create their own style and dealing with heavier issues such as alcoholism.  Each of their fashion/lifestyle advice seemed applicable to most women, but was presented in a way where women could really relate to it. As simple and as corny as it sounds, Glamour seems to understand that women come in different in shapes and sizes.

Some key learning’s:

-Women dress for every occasion—even staying home on a Friday night

-Women love to express themselves through various means—kind of like me and my action figure collection

-Each women has their own distinct style and it may not be seen strictly by what they’re wearing but how they’re wearing it.

-Women work in every relationship they have—both with women and men

Also, this blog is still extremely new.  I am looking for ways to improve it…please comment on what you liked/didn’t like or what you think I could add….

Until next time.

And welcome to part two of our Women’s Health extravaganza.  Check out part one, if you haven’t already.  With this section I am going to focus on the ‘Special Beauty Bonus’ that was a part of the April edition of Women’s Health–only a separate ‘issue’ that was placed in the exact opposite direction of the full issue and included ‘Tons More Get-Gorgeous Tips!’.  Do women get excited about these bonuses?  I think it’s comparable to the excitement I got when I beat Mike Tyson Punch-Out in the 2^nd grade…don’t really know how to express yourself, but you know it’s something that can’t be expressed in words.

This section of coursed focused on what else: beauty! It covered skin, hair and fragrances.  Which I am slowly learning is the holy trinity of women.  So let’s get started…

First section is about what foods to eat to help your complexion.  The list is as follows:

1. Blueberries and Pomegranates—help prevent dryness of skin due some scientific fact.
2. Dark Chocolate—protects skin from sun damage—probably because you’re inside eating chocolate all day
3. Spinach—prevent wrinkles
4. Walnuts—creates smoother, healthier skin
5. Yogurt—rich with calcium which helps nails and teeth
6. Tomatoes—prevent sun damage as well—clearly need to create a tomato/chocolate combination immediately
7. Kiwis—keeps hair follicles strong
8. Edamame—not only cool to say but prevent collagen and wrinkles
9. Sweet Potatoes, Carrots and Butternut Squash—makes skin smooth
10. Green Tea—can help prevent skin cancer and sunburns

Next section dealt with hair length and segmented different hairstyles and how to utilize those hairstyles to complement facial features.

Bangs—not going to lie I am (and I feel most men think this) are not a fan of bangs—sidenote: I used to think that these were pronounced ‘fangs’—think about it…it makes sense.  Anyway, creating a smooth foundation, darkening mascara and nude lips really make this look work….

Layered—from the intelligence I can gather this is a style that has different colors and lengths and gives ‘the illusion of higher cheekbones’…but we’ve all seen how that can look.  This is a good look in my opinion, very classy.

Pixie: not a fan.  No guy that I know really likes short hair.  Some women seem to be able to pull it off–but they are few and far between.  Even the name ‘Pixie’ sounds weird and awkward.

Kinda awkward...

Mid-length—this is all right.  Depends on how short though.  Apparently a woman can ‘keep their eyes low’ by applying a ‘champagne shadow’ across the lids of their eyes.  Makeup can do some amazing things.

Long—this is what I feel that most men like.  Long hair, not super Rapunzel style hair but shoulder to mid back is pretty solid in terms of length.

If I take anything away from that section it’s that women can do some incredible things with makeup: make your eyes lower, forehead higher and give the appearance you have bone structure when you may not.  Moving on…

The next section dealt with perfume or the scent of a woman…

I had no idea how much perfume was an important factor in the whole ambiance of a woman.  Apparently, some woman never change their scent, but that is more passé and women now are changing depending on their age.  For a guy who thinks Head and Shoulders and Old Spice smell good this was an interesting insight.  Fragrance can tell a lot about women: age, where they are in life and what kind of personality they have.  Once again Women’s Health separated the differences in scents by age:

Late Teens: enjoy sweet smelling perfumes, not only for smell but to mask body odor

Twenties:  at this age scent is seen as an ‘equalizer’, though these women may not be able to afford expensive clothing, their expensive perfume levels the playing field.

Thirties: looks for a more established scent to show that is where she is at in her life—men definitely notice these things—not really.

Forties: wear what they like , don’t care how it appears to anyone else

I was hoping they would have a ‘Grandma’ section because I’ve always wondered what ‘scent’ she wore…

A section on makeup—makeup confuses the hell out of me and I am in the camp where less is more.  But as with fragrances, it appears how you wear it depends on your social status and where you are in life.

Random fact: Did you know that there is a Sense of Smell Institute?

The last section covered treatments for skincare.  What to do and what not to do.  Here are some takeaways:

-Mineral oil, shea butter, and petrolatum can hurt your skin

It’s important to apply moisturizer within 3 minutes of cleansing (that sounds like a line from a recipe)

-It helps to put ‘resveratrol’ on your skin before you go to bed.  It’s found in the skin of grapes and helps anti-aging.  Sidenote: how do they figure this stuff out?  Is someone out in vineyards rolling around in grapes and then taking notes?

-Using Retinoids, antioxidants and peptides can help prevent signs of aging—Retinoids? Those sound like some sort ailment that they ask for 12 cents a day for during commercials on the Price is Right.

-If you are happy, your skin will be happy.  If you are sad, your skin will be sad.

-Salicylic and glycolic if used too much can dry out your skin

-Omega-3 and omega-6 increase radiance and decrease inflammation of skin

-The tannins in green tea can reduce swelling

That’s it for Bonus Beauty Section from Women’s Health.  The one key learning I have from this section is that everything a women owns, wears, puts on her face and even scent can be seen as determining her social status.  If anything, how you look as a woman in compared to other women is a huge deal.  You have to be on your game almost at all times.  That’s a lot of pressure….

Until next time…

Welcome back!  Our magazine today is Women’s Health. This is also our first two-part edition because there was a bonus feature on beauty in the back of the magazine—which was also informative so I felt it deserved its own section.  Anyway, from the title alone I could tell that this would be a more fitness/health orientated magazine and it does just that, while including snippets of fashion, sex, and food.  Women’s Health is clearly meant for active women or women who want to be active.  It’s similar to its brother magazine Men’s Health with its content and set up but it is a very different read….

First off, Women’s Health has an advisory board of about 20 PhD’s ranging from Dermatology to figuring out the latest love triangle on Grey’s Anatomy expert (kidding)—point being they have people who can answer questions and contribute.

The first section or part of the magazine I noticed was an ad for the ‘ReeTone’ or a shoe from Reebok that makes your ass look good.  These seem to be popular for women, which leads us to…

Fashion Lesson #1:  Shoes that make your ass look good are popular

Anyway, I’m not a doctor of anything but doesn’t just walking in general do this for people?  I’m pretty sure that cavewomen had nice asses too and they didn’t have shoes.  I don’t really understand the visual in the ad either—the woman is checking herself out in a mirror while pushing a cart of baggage…moving on

Wait. Walking is exercise?

Women’s Health also features an ‘ask the guy’ portion with questions such as “I want kids, but my boyfriend of two years now says he doesn’t want them.  Do I cut my losses or see if he comes around?” and “I’m not ready for us to live together, but my guy is.  What’s the least hurtful way to tell him?”  These problems seem that they can be solved by communicating with their respective partners.  But I think this guy does an okay job at explaining that.

Fashion Lesson #2:  Threading is a way that women get rid of their eyebrows.  It involves tying a cotton string around the eyebrows and pulling them out hair by hair.  OUCH.  A lot of work goes into those eyebrows—makes sense women probably don’t want to look like this…

Apparently 7% of men show affection in public by grabbing butts.  Where do they find the men for these polls?

The next sections of the magazine are broken down into ‘SCOOP ‘ sections.  These sections are: Beauty, Nutrition, Weight Loss, Fitness, Health and Sex…kinda  covers everything.

Beauty:

There is a laser surgery for female toe fungus…at least they aren’t talking about farting in this issue…

Fashion Lesson #3: Dry shampoo is popular—it doesn’t leave strands to soft too a hold a style…

Nutrition:

Like I said before, Women’s Health has about 20 PhD’s on their board.  They come up with amazing facts such as: ‘people who regularly drink pure fruit juice consume higher levels of several key nutrients’

Weight Loss

Most of the content dealt with cutting calories or ways to consume food with minimal calorie intake. Obviously an overall theme of not only this section but also the whole magazine is body image and ways to increase it.  It also included interesting facts such as: A two-ounce milk chocolate bunny has the same amount of calories as 8.3 Marshmallow Peeps Bunnies…I’ll take the chocolate bunny any day.

Fitness

Dealt with training trouble spots…mine are my thighs—can never get them to look toned and how beets can provide energy or great music.

Health

Fun Fact! Women may be slower attacking tasks when ovulating–that was about it from this section.

Sex

A few interesting tidbits such as the time of day that a women will win an argument with a man is 3:00 p.m.  That is probably because he is working or waking up from a nap.

There is a section on arms—which claims that men think arms are extremely sexy.  I tend to agree, but that’s not what intrguied me about this section.  There is a picture of Cameron Diaz (right) who is placing her arm on her hip.  I believe this is in order to make the arm look skinnier.  I don’t understand this.  Most of the women I see in pictures do this.  It looks as if they are about to start one half of the Macarena…someone explain..anyway moving on…

I don't really get this...

Cover story about Emma Roberts.

General theme is how she has grown from a girl from a famous family to a woman creating a name for herself.

Interesting facts about Emma Roberts:

-She auditioned for Scream 4 over Skype

-She reads intellectually stimulating books like: Twilight and Eat, Pray, Love

-For workouts she has recently taken up pole dancing—apparently it helps her upper body strength…duly noted.

Fashion Lesson #3: Horizontal stripes add oomph to straight silhouettes…I have no idea what this means

Spread on the best skirts for women’s body types.  Women’s body types can be broken down into 4 sections:

Straight

Curvy

Pear

Athletic

Concurrently…

Men’s body types can be broken down into 4 categories:

Pencil

Potato

Really Fat

Athletic

Moving on….

Fashion Lesson #4: Watches are great accessories

Next sections include fitness tips without a gym and questions dealing with fitness.   Overall, the article seemed to give good advice, the women demonstrating the workouts looks super pissed off…I think she has a pear body….and it’s difficult to understand exactly what the animated people are demonstrating..

A little confusing.

The next article dealt with women and stress

It included tips on how women could avoid stress such as naps (which was my favorite) and if you feel tempted to bitch out a co-worker, take a multi-vitamin (of course!).  The overall sense I got from this article is that women are under an insane amount of pressure externally, but really internalize that.  It had some great insights such as women often stress themselves out and work too hard because they feel if they don’t feel that way then they are not working hard or something is wrong or they are being lazy.  Simply: they feel normal being stressed out.  It also mentions how women compete with each other to see who is stressed out more—a female version of a pissing contest.

Changing the tone up a bit, they focused on a woman who has lost well over a 100 lbs and how she did it.  Clearly meant to motivate its reader.  The next page’s placement is interesting; it’s an ad for an anti-depressant.  You don’t see this in any male publications and by seeing how the tone of the magazine has gone up and down—it kind of shows how women do probably deal with a lot more pressure and need to deal with it more than men.

There were several cooking recipes and pieces on using natural ingredients to cook in this issue.  My only question is: if women are so stressed about work, work out all the time and have families-where the hell do they find the time to cook?  And if they do, good for them…

More food articles and how to eat healthy…

The next article I focused on was about three types of people in relationships:

Anxious: people who love being coupled up, but are sensitive to minor changes

Avoidant: miss them while they are away, but want to get away when they are nearby; also fixate on small flaws (aka Seinfeld complex)

Secure: apparently these people are perfect (according to the author)

Each description gave a counter about how you could be with one of these three types of people.  They all came down to one word: communication.

The next two articles surprised me because they touched upon female stereotypes; one being that women have a terrible sense of direction and the other being that women are always late.  These articles actually gave TIPS on how to work on these ‘defects’

My favorites being:

Before navigating your way through a new environment…study a map

People fail to plan for the varying nature of the delays they’ll encounter

Anyway, moving on….

A man named Dan Abrams wrote a book about how women are better than men.  The top three things are:

Women Are Better Doctors

Women Have Better Muscle Endurance

Women Are Better Investors

The most informative article of this issue (besides the stress piece) was about…

BOOBS…or as entitled in the magazine: ‘Learning Curves’.  It dealt with women’s breasts.  Here are the things that I learned about breasts from the article:

Boobs are complicated

It’s not unusual for stuff to drip from the nipples and can come in yellow, green, white, gray, red and vary from thick and sticky to thin and watery. (I didn’t say they were cool facts)

-In some cases it’s difficult to feed if a women has a breast augmentation.

-Breasts don’t have muscles.  Could have fooled me…

-Covered before: but caffeine increases breast soreness.

-Some women have as many as 6 nipples.

-Breasts sag with age-duh- but also the risk of breast cancer increases

-It’s abnormal to have identical breasts

-Common for one breast to be larger than the other

-Average nipple size is a centimeter in both length and diameter

-Average areole can range from the size of a dime to the palm of a hand

-While lactating breasts can swell by more than a pound

Quite an interesting article and again goes by what I said last post: that a woman’s body is so complex even most women don’t understand it.  Women should really give men some breaks then…

And finally, the last article dealt with the idea of ‘grit’ or perseverance.

Overall, Women’s Health is created for active/healthy women.  It deals a lot with food and exercise.  Similar to Cosmo it also creates a forum for women to ask questions and informs women about their bodies and relationship issues.  It dealt with more serious issues-such as stress and depression but also provided some inspirational pieces and showed that women can overcome a lot of obstacles to get to where they want to be.

Key Learning’s:

-Women put themselves under a lot of pressure

-Difficult to stay fit and women look for ways to enjoy their fitness routines

-Women deal with a lot of issues both internally and externally and the fact they can even manage a day with everything that is going both in their body and in their daily lives—is extremely commendable and something we (men) shouldn’t forget.

-ARMS are huge for the ladies—want them to be toned—similar to arms for men but without all the veins.

Click here for Part 2-Women’s Health: Special Beauty Bonus

For my next foray into women’s magazines I decided to read Cosmopolitan.  Now, if we were comparing Vogue and Cosmo to actual women, I would say that Vogue is the smart, confident, motivated girl who went to grad school and is now settled down with a family.  If I were to describe Cosmo it would be the raunchy sorority girl who did keg stands in college, went to law school, still goes out well past her mid 20s and can’t figure out why she is still single, but she is also a good friend and someone you can talk to about anything.  Anyway, Cosmo definitely focuses on some different themes and issues.

I was not distracted by any odors of this magazine, but I was immediately drawn to the headline “PMS News: The Fruit that Prevents Bloating”—that seemed like it would make an interesting read.  Cosmo is all over the place in terms of what they focus on. They seem to really try to appeal to all women but I’d say about 70% of the content dealt with men, sex, looking like celebrities and things to do when you’re naked.  Cosmo covers a lot so let’s get to it….

If anyone is wondering (and I’m sure you are) the number 1 thing that was listed on “What’s Sexy Right Now” is Brooding British Boys—guess it’s time to start working on my accent, not sure how to improve my ‘brooding’ skills though…

Lea Michele was the cover story for this issue.  I must admit I am quite a big Glee fan, not only for the wonderful singing but also for the great assortment of attractive women on the show.  Anyway, nothing too insightful here except that she is probably the 23,343,435th celebrity to use this line “I am very focused and driven.  I am also grounded and really know who I am”.  Glad to hear that; I was concerned.

Moving on….to our first and second

Fashion Lesson #1: Once again the Urkel pants or ‘rock flared bottoms’ are mentioned as being so hot right now.

Fashion Lesson #2: Curly hair is popular

Cosmo seems to just be a smorgasbord of facts and statistics taken from readers or random quotes from specialists.  This was my favorite though:

‘The Chatter Chart: Some Subjects Just Keep Coming up In Your Convos With Friends’

The breakdown was as followed:

How Incredible Rachel Weisz and Daniel Craig must be together in bed: 4%

The Popularity of Teen Novels like The Hunger Games: 4%

Whether Salvia is Good or Evil: 14%

Whether Wikileaks is Good or Evil: 17%

The Hotness of Ryan Gosling: 27%

The Grossness of Hugh Hefner Marrying a 24year old—ugh!: 34%

So this is what women talk about....

I now see why I’m single…I should have been asking about Ryan Gossling from the beginning…

The next article (I feel like there weren’t too many in this issue) I got to was “Quit Ragging on My Chest Hair—Please”: this is an issue which is close to my heart (nickname in high school: Wolverine) but it was interesting to see how a women’s magazine needs to make the point of not teasing about body image.  Men are sensitive about these issues too and it was intriguing to read it from the perspective of how women may not realize that.

Fashion Lesson #3: Cat Eye Shades are in along with something called a ‘Ruffle-Front’ Maxi Dress

The next section was entitled, “The Best Silhouette for You”.  Apparently a silhouette is the balance between your top and bottom (give me a break…I’m still learning). They compared three celebrities and their silhouettes and why they worked.  This corresponded with an overall theme of taking fashion advice/look from celebrities.  Obviously that makes sense because they are ‘trend setters’ but it seems that most of Cosmo style tips deal with looking like someone else and not so much with creating your own identity, but one that is built on top of someone else’s style.

The beauty Q&A was extremely informative.  I have never asked nor heard these questions asked before:  ‘My legs itch badly after I shave. How can I prevent this?’ and ‘The skin on my eyelids is flaking. What’s going on?’—I didn’t even know that was possible.

More skin product ads…

Scientific Fact! Women have three types of acne: Gadget Acne, Hookup Acne and Comfort Food Acne

Birth control ad…

Fashion Lesson #4: Wedge shoes are popular

The ‘For Keeps’ section mentioned some interesting topics such as when farting is appropriate in front of a boyfriend or when peeing in front of a boyfriend is appropriate—the short answers: never.

Fashion Lesson #5: Exposing your shoulders is considered both sexy and sophisticated

The next section featured a comedian and how she is now secure with her body and herself.  It was a different tone than the rest of the magazine.  It was about an independent woman who was comfortable with herself and seemed to serve the purpose to motivate its readers.  It seemed a far cry from ‘Getting Perfect Eyelashes’, which was featured earlier in the magazine.  But once again Cosmo is all over the place, which leads us to by the far the most informative, scary and uncomfortable article in the whole issue….

‘Escape From Period Insanity’

Obviously, I am a man. I do not have periods, or PMS. I don’t normally talk about periods or PMS unless it is in some form of crude humor directed at a co-worker who is being rude (I’m just being honest).  When I was younger and my mother took me into the women’s restroom I thought those dispensers were for candy and I believed that till I was 11. This article was a definite eye-opener due to the fact that the female body is so complicated that even women don’t know exactly how it works.  I wrestled with the idea of going into too much detail about this article, but I figured why not.  So here are some quick bullet points that can help a women escape a period:

-Ibuprofen every 6 hours helps with cramps and taking it can also be a preventative measure

-Increasing vitamin D intake, calcium, and working out can stabilize mood swings

-Eating foods high in potassium can prevent bloating

-Caffeine can help with migraines but increase breast soreness—so I guess you’re screwed either way

-Apply benzoyl-peroxide to any skin breakouts

-Getting more sleep can help with exhaustion (duh)

Probably goes without saying, but that was quite the read.  I am pretty happy that men don’t go through anything like that so I do have a newfound respect for women’s toughness.  The only thing that I am jealous of is that women get to call their doctor’s ‘gynos’—it sounds like some cool Star Trek weapon.  Anyway, moving on…

Fashion Lesson #6 Sheer material that subtly reveals a women’s body is growing in popularity

As I said before the main things mentioned in this issue of Cosmo were men, sex and things to do when you’re naked.  I thought I would break those sections down….

Men-

I would say Cosmo does do a good job at giving a male perspective for women. Overall though most of the sections dealing with men were either about how to get them to do something or an ‘insight’ that wasn’t very insightful at all…

Such as:

91% of men love it when a woman makes them feel wanted…really? What did the other 9% think the question meant? Wanted money, wanted like a criminal—sometimes it is hard to defend my gender.

In the section ‘10 Ways to Let a Guy Know You’re Interested’, actor and wannabe superhero villain Topher Grace (who ruined Spiderman 3) wrote these. He had some great insights such as ‘Don’t Flirt with Other Guys’ and ‘Don’t Ignore Him’–this guy should write a book.

Another insightful nugget: Don’t use a man’s razor while staying at his place.  Kind of goes both ways.

A section that surprised me was ‘Where to Meet Your Future Boyfriend’.  It gave advice on places to go and events to do to meet men.  This is an actual problem?  It seems that anytime I go outside it’s essentially a meat market for women.

I think the Confessions from Men section is complete bullshit and is written by 4 types of douche bags: The Liar, The Kiss and Teller, The Prankster and The Exaggerator.

Article on ‘Why Men In Love Are Dragging their Feet’ made men far too complicated in my opinion. We are simple creatures.  It laid out almost a gameplan or strategy to bagging a man, sections such as Sealing the Deal, Tying the Knot and Filling the House With Rug Rats essentially goes through a bird’s eye view of forming a relationship in three pages.  I didn’t realize it was that easy.

Moving on to what else…

Sex

Of course I could say the whole issue was about sex, but these were some sections that caught my eye.

Apparently 'I Had' To Take This Quiz

I took my first Cosmo ‘Sex Quiz’ and apparently I am a visual person…this was quite the read.  It was informative and didn’t really come off as raunchy but more so as genuine advice.  The sheer openness of sexuality in this section surprised me (pictures to boot too!).   Also similar was the Sex Q&A section, which created an open forum for its readers to ask whatever they wanted to.

Openness about women’s sexuality was a central theme throughout the issue.  Sections ranging from How I Fixed an Awkward Sex Issue to The Erotic Touch that Draws Him Closer which read like a ‘Dear Penthouse’ letter.

There was the ’25 Fun Ways to Go Naked…Without Freezing Your Butt Off’.  They broke it down in 3 sections: Try These With Your Guy, Try These Solo and Try These With Your Friends.  My favorite suggestion: Order spicy Thai takeout, then strip down for one hot meal—that just sounds awful, have you seen people eat with clothes ON? Imagine that but with more movement from everywhere.

And finally, I scored a 4 on the ‘Do You Work Too Damn Hard’ Quiz—apparently this means that I am team player…one more thing to add to the resume.

Phew..quite the magazine Cosmopolitan is. It deals with a variety of issues for women, but overall the one thing Cosmo does is create an open conversation; it was an open forum for women to share their fears, successes, questions and thoughts without judgment.  Some key learning’s to take away from this issue:

1. Women are much more open than you think about a lot of issues
2. They are just as interested in figuring men out as men are at figuring women out
3. Some things men might find obvious are not as obvious to them—and vice versa
4. Women plan everything—kind of like how I strategize my fantasy football team.

Second Post. Complete.

The first magazine I decided to sit down and read was Vogue from February 2011.  It has Kristen Stewart on the cover (the girl from Twilight) making some weird, sexy, zoolander type face.  I was immediately drawn to the sub-headline (not sure exactly what it’s called) “Perfect Hair at What Risk?” but we’ll get to that later.  I’ve always found it interesting how much women generally care about their fashion because us (men) rarely notice if they change shoes or tops or whatever.  For me personally it’s something I rarely notice unless you are wearing something completely outrageous.  Anyway, I opened the magazine and was completely shocked by how many ads are within the first 60 pages.  The content of the ads were what you expect: clothing, jewelry and fragrances (Sidenote: this was the best smelling magazine/book I have EVER read).  But what surprised me were the overtly sexual images in the ads.   Young males today shouldn’t have to go online or even read a Playboy—just flip through the first 60 pages of Vogue and you’ll be good to go.  So after I got through the first 60 pages I soon noticed that Vogue is a damn long magazine (almost 300 pages).  I was intrigued to see what I would find within its pages….

The first piece I read was the letter from the editor but I became distracted by the scent from the magazine (this was a serious problem the entire read).  The editor wrote about the wedding between Prince Harry and Catherine Middleton.  Apparently this is a big deal in the realm of women because (from what I can tell) women have a fantasy about being a princess and enjoy royalty and all that good stuff.  The article gives the editor’s take on what style Catherine should wear in order to represent herself as proper royalty and compares the style she wants to see to either first lady Michelle Obama or TV personality Blake Lively (who I think are always mentioned together in the same sentence).

The ‘Talking Back’ section is what I went to next. This is a section where readers chime in on what they did or didn’t like about last month’s Vogue.  Apparently, Anne Hathaway was featured in an elegant Audrey Hepburn type shoot (see I’m learning already!).   A few people seemed to hate on the Ms. Hathaway shoot because they felt she is not eloquent enough yet to be featured this way.  Apparently baring all in her movie is frowned upon in the female community.

The next few articles I looked at all had similar themes: a motivating piece about someone overcoming a struggle to become successful or who dealt with some personal tragedy only to overcome it. One was about woman who had a massive brain aneurysm and had a less than five percent chance of living and now she lives a full life with a few

Not only are the women of Vogue smart and attractive they also ride horses!

restrictions.  It’s pretty amazing.  The other dealt with a woman’s struggle to find her place as a writer in the world. A piece on designer Rachel Feinstein’s life as a designer, one on Kristin Stewart’s life and a piece about two men who created their own fashion line were also featured.  Nothing really too insightful but interested in how a majority of the articles dealt with these themes.

This part  about Maggie Gyllenhaal (who I can speak for most people—no one likes her) bothered me “Whether watching Maggie Gyllenhaal on screen or sitting across from her at a Tribeca restaurant on a winter afternoon, one is inevitably drawn to her eyes—large limpid, and full of longing, conveying wily intelligence, ironic amusement”.  That’s so strange because that’s what EVERYONE says when they meet me…anyway, the only thing I think of when I see Maggie is how she ruined the Dark Knight for me.  Moving on….

Fashion Lesson #1: Women’s bell bottoms are making a comeback that or either hiking your pants up to your chest is coming back.  I don’t know how I feel about this style, it kind of reminds me or Urkel.

Urkel?

More ads….more perfumes…..

More ads…more bags

Fashion Lesson #2: Stripes are back!

For the life of me I couldn’t figure out why the ‘Dispatch: Tajikistan’ was in the magazine.  It made no sense to me why it was included…

More ads…more half naked women…

Fashion Lesson #3:  There is a line from Italy called Aquilano Rimondi and they use bright colors—think 80s but classier.

Fashion Lesson #4:  Delicate footwear such as sandals, pumps and slippers will be popular in the Spring (if I had a dollar for every time I wrote that sentence…)

Fashion Lesson #5: Women’s clothing/accessories are expensive!  I now see why women should make more money than men…

More ads..uggs now makes croc looking shoes….

Finally the article I was looking forward to and I only had to go through 149 pages of ads to get to it–that’s right it’s the Perfect Hair article.  There is an emphasis now on fuller, stronger and healthier hair for women.  They are starting to use ‘keratin treatments’ and it’s becoming extremely popular.   Fun Fact! Did you know that keratin is a protein that makes up the outer layer of our skin? Sounds awesome!  Anyway, keratin is apparently the Michael Jordan of all hair products and can fix any ailment a lady may have—in respects to her hair.  But it also has potential for serious health risks and contains formaldehyde, which I believe they use on dead people.  The main takeaway from this article is that women will go through extreme lengths to get great hair in order to compete with other women who have great hair.  I guess hair is similar to cars for men.

No ads between hair article and article on how Gluten diets can mess up your stomach—the gluten article essentially talks about women pooping-gross.

The magazine finishes off with an article about how Matt Lauer has a great life and a spread on minimalistic styles which creates another:

Fashion Lesson #6: Minimalistic styles are in—which I believe means more simple colors

Overall my first Vogue experience wasn’t too bad.  The magazine’s tone is an overall positive one and definitely shows the creativity and drive of women.  Some key learning’s to take away from this issue:

1. Women want to feel like princesses-kinda corny and obvious but I’m sure we men forget this at times
2. Apparently models can’t smile, but only create a face in which they appear frightened, surprised or about to start a gang fight
3. Hair to women is a huge thing-kinda like my pog collection in middle school; I didn’t want anyone messing with it who didn’t know what they were doing
4. Women like those who can overcome

So there is my first post.  I hope it was informative.

Welcome to IDKAnything About Women.  That title should sum up my reasoning for starting this blog, because I, in fact, know nothing about women. A little background on myself, I am a 20 something year old who recently got out of a serious relationship and when the evil, backstabbing, awful umm I mean when the name not -to- be mentioned broke up with me she told me that “I know nothing about women”.  I thought about this for well over an hour, (a long time for me or any man to sit or think about anything) and agreed with her.  I really don’t know shit about women.  A woman raised me, women for a majority of my life have surrounded me and I have even had women want to date me.  So clearly I should have some idea on how to communicate, interact and even someday procreate with one.  Though I may have some idea how to do those things, in reality those elements are too on-the- surface, I am looking to get deep into the mind of women and I figured what better way to do it than become an expert in popular women’s publications.  Makes sense right?  Women read these publications, take their advice and attempt to implement these ideas into their lives, and women write most of the articles!  So it seems to make sense if I want to understand women that I should read what they read about fashion, relationships etc.

I’m not sure exactly how this blog will work or if it will even serve a purpose, but I do know that my recent subscriptions to Vogue, Cosmopolitan, InStyle and a variety of other magazines have cost me quite a bit so there is incentive for me to continue writing and learning as much as I can.   We’ll see where it goes….